Totally Realistic Playoff Predictions – Super Bowl

By: C.J. Doon

 

In America, the Super Bowl is unquestionably one of the biggest events of the year.  It’s three full hours of jaw-dropping, heart-pounding, in-your-face action that draws more than one hundred million viewers to their TV screens.  It’s the culmination of an entire season’s worth of can’t-miss NFL action into pure agony and ecstasy for both fan bases.  For sports fans like myself, it’s simply electrifying – not to mention the fact that it’s the only TV event where I’m actually excited to see commercials.

 

This year’s contest between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens will be unlike any other.  For the first time in Super Bowl history, a pair of brothers – Jim Harbaugh of the 49ers and John Harbaugh of the Baltimore Ravens – will be coaching against one another under the bright lights of New Orleans, on the nation’s biggest stage.

 

But be warned, folks – this is not your typical sibling rivalry.  Instead of playing a game of H.O.R.S.E. to see who has to wash the dishes, the Harbaugh brothers will be matching wits for a chance to lift the illustrious Lombardi Trophy.  Look away, while you still can Mr. and Mrs. Harbaugh: “brotherly love” will have to be put on hiatus after kickoff on Sunday.

 

Now, let’s answer the question that’s on the mind of every football fan in America:  Who’s going to Disney World?

 

San Francisco 49ers vs. Baltimore Ravens

 

Instead of breaking down the stats and scrutinizing the performance of each team, I thought I’d mix things up a bit and break the game down into three categories.  Highly scientific analysis will be provided, of course.  Let’s go.

 

Ray Lewis tearing up and saying “I’m going to Disney World!” vs. Vernon Davis tearing up and saying “I’m going to Disney World!”

 

This is a tough matchup.  On one hand, you have a fearsome leader of a ferocious defense who’s been playing at a high level for his entire 17-year NFL career, and is a virtual lock for the Hall of Fame.  On the other hand, you have a young, confident tight end who has helped revolutionize the position with his speed and agility, and cried like a baby after catching the game-winning touchdown pass in last year’s playoff game vs. the Saints.

 

Lewis already has a Super Bowl title to his credit, so that takes some of the fun out of watching him giddily prance around the sidelines.  However, the thought of watching Ray-Ray dance around like a schoolgirl with the Lombardi Trophy is just too enticing.

 

You’ll get your chance, Vernon.  Let the old timer ride out into the sunset this time.

 

Advantage: Ravens

 

Colin Kaepernick’s Photogenic-ness vs. Joe Flacco’s Photogenic-ness

 

You might think this will be a runaway victory for the young California stud, but Joe Cool has some tricks up his sleeve.  These witty and charming wedding photos of Mr. & Mrs. Flacco featured in the New York Times show just how awesome Mr. Flacco can be, if he only put forth the effort.  I mean, seriously; barking out audibles to your brothers and taking a snap of a bouquet of flowers from your wife, while also holding a champagne bottle instead of a pigskin?  Simply breathtaking.

 

However, I just can’t will myself to pick against Kaepernick.  He wore a flat brim hat and dazzlingly white basketball shoes to his Super Bowl press conference, and sports one of the best smiles in the business.  He replaced a quarterback who led his team to the NFC Championship game last season, and completely made people forget about him.  Not to mention the dude has some pretty nice ink.

 

This one goes to Kaep, in a nail-biter.

 

Advantage: 49ers

 

Jim Harbaugh’s Nougie vs. John Harbaugh’s Nougie

 

Brothers give each others nougies.  Some do it when they’re young, some do it when they’re old.  Some are doing it right now.  It’s just a fact.

 

Unfortunately, there’s no reliable historical evidence available to analyze this matchup.  (I know, I tried.)  However, we do have the infamous “Handshakegate” involving Jim and Detroit Lion’s head coach Jim Schwartz to gather some information on the grip strength of the Harbaughs.  From what I can tell, Harbaughs don’t mess around with handshakes.  The believe in the old adage, “the stronger the grasp, the stronger the man.”

 

Okay, I made that last part up.  But it kind of works, doesn’t it?

 

Unless Jack Harbaugh holds an impromptu press conference regarding the rearing of his children in the next few hours, I think this one is a toss up.  I’m leaning towards Jim simply because he frightens me when he’s angry.

 

Advantage: 49ers

 

So there you have it folks.  The Niners take two out of three, which means San Francisco fans can start celebrating early.  After all, when we break down games with this degree of fervent analysis, you can expect perfection.

 

The Pick: San Francisco 27, Baltimore 23

 

 

Last week: 1-1

 

Playoffs: 5-5

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One response

  1. Pingback: New Content Added: Week of February 3rd | Before Visiting The Sportsbook

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